The Lectern: A Message to Unmarried Men

As promised, Emmanuel Akaeze writes from ‘The Lectern’ this month on bachelor matters.

Are you single, dating, undecided, or both?

Are you male? Female?

Yes? Then read!

The Lectern01

…that we might be read

A MESSAGE TO UNMARRIED MEN

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Since most women are incapable of physical abuse, some have resorted to other forms, like economic, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. Young man, if you’re in a relationship or about to ask a woman out who is always talking about money, I advise you to think twice. Unless your surname ends with Trump, Gates, Dangote or Helu, or your father’s mother’s cousin’s son-in-law’s driver’s half-sister owns the Central Bank, you’re in for a rough ride.

If her interests are always in what you bought for her, how much money you gave her this month….she will bring you grief. This woman is a leech and will milk you to the last drop, then wring you, just in case there are some stray kobos left in your pockets, then she will air-dry and dump you. Abeg, borrow my favorite letters for this kind of situation – R. U. N!

Some women will so verbally abuse you that you’ll wish your mother’s womb could open up and take you back into its safe cocoon of innocence. She’s rude, sometimes vulgar, calls you all sorts of names, denigrates you, always compares you with your friends and she calls it – wait for it – “keeping it real.” I agree with her oh…the real thing is she’ll keep on and never stop. And unless you can tame the shrew, pack your load and move on!

If she always harps on a particular issue forever, repeating those words till they burrow inside your brain like itch-mites and you can recite them by heart, it’s called nagging. And from a nagger, methinks you should flee! Else, one day, you’ll either wake up in police custody with a murder charge on your head or realize that you’re a recurrent member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Please oga, in the name of all that’s sane and logical, don’t be with a woman who is still hung up on her ex. If a woman is always going on and on about how her ex, John was mean to her, cheated on her, and didn’t treat her right, bros, unless you’re her shrink and helping her work out her emotional problems, I suggest you pack your luggage and board the next available flight. She is definitely a citizen of Yesterday, living in Baggage House, on Regret Street. You will wake up one day to find a Dear John letter pinned to your pillow.

If a woman keeps telling you that all men are dogs, and how she hates all men except you, her “darling boo”, just know that network is bad and your matter is hanging. One day, soon and very soon, you will slip up on a tiny issue. Then her verdict will be delivered and you will join the long list of men in her life who are hated canines.

If a lady compares your relationship to that of Nneka, Sandra or Sade, just know that you’re nothing but a housemate in the ‘All-time Best Couple’ reality show…the only thing is you don’t know it yet. For this kind of woman, nothing you ever do with and/or for her is good enough, because one of her friend’s boo will definitely be better. In my opinion, you’re better off Keeping Up with the Kardashians than with this woman (and we all really despise that show, don’t we?)

My brother, have you met the NEVER DIVA? Like her name suggests, there are things she’ll never do because she believes they are a man’s, servant’s or professional’s job. She NEVER calls you. She NEVER buys you any gifts. She is NEVER emotionally available. She NEVER takes you out, NEVER offers to pay for half the meal. She NEVER apologizes. She is NEVER wrong. She NEVER compliments you. She will NEVER give up anything for you or the family. She will NEVER compromise. Bros, I can NEVER say this enough – NEVER hook up with this kind of woman.

I know one sister whose favourite song is ‘Just as I am, without one plea…’, only problem is she’s not singing the original gospel version. Like Mount Zion which cannot be moved, her favourite mantra is “you met me like this and so shall I always be!” She’ll never love you enough to compromise or change to make you happy, don’t kid yourself. It doesn’t matter if you own a boutique, her skimpy clothes will stay. Don’t bother enrolling her in evening school, her broken grammar will do just fine. That you’re an accountant that can help with financial advice on saving and investing makes no difference, her money is hers to throw away as she wishes.

I only have one question for you, guy, whence goest thou? I am sure I have by no means exhausted the list; the above are only the commonest I could think of, feel free to add more. Don’t be like Macbeth whose wife pushed and pushed till he broke.

By: Emmanuel L. Akaeze

Emma

Emmanuel is an avid reader, a creative writer, historian and public speaker, a Process Engineer by profession, Business Analyst by occupation. Still single, he lives and works in Abuja. His life philosophy implores you to “Change the way you think, change your life”

If you have written something which you would like us to read from ‘The Lectern’, send it in a mail titled ‘The Lectern’ to ojukwumartin@gmail.com. If you are yet unsure about a subject matter but want to be read still, send me an email too and we can work up something appropriate for you.

Chisom

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22 thoughts on “The Lectern: A Message to Unmarried Men

  1. The NEVER Diva……. Haa that one nah die. Dear writer, you have done well but it’s not about running. These may not be admirable traits but women tend to have a little of those here and there. So it means you keep running all your life when you see anything that resembles any ‘flaw ‘. I know someone will write from a lady’s point of view.

  2. Now my point of view; like chizzy had said, nobody has it all! True there are traits to run from but please before run, pause and try to see if you can trace the origin of the trait, esp if you love your partner, because the origin might show u how to uproot it.
    Like my marriage counselor told us during our Pre marriage counseling class, remember that, the trait you want your partner to discard had been built over years n might need same number of years to unlearn.
    I have points to debunk most of your arguments and make you stay instead of R.U.N But I would prefer to advice all singles, there ain’t any perfect person out there, there is only that person you can tolerate their flaws and choose to remember the good n not the bad traits! N next best person to look out for, is the one that is ready to listen to their faults, agree they are wrong n agree to change (even though they might not change, lol!), who equally is willing to tell you your own faults.

    • Hmm…what you’re saying sounds very sensible oh, Janey, but in the face of a NEVER DIVA, or a ‘All-time Best Couple’ contestant, e fit no too stand oh. I wish you could take time to share those points you have, would make a mighty interesting read

  3. “…you’re nothing but a housemate in the ‘All-time Best Couple’ reality show…” Lmao. N yes, I hate that show: Keeping up with the Kardashians.

    But thinking about it, Chizzy’s right. We all got bits n pieces of those traits in us…just like you all got your own not-so-cool traits. So I’d say: If you think she’s worth it, stay. Help her work it out. Unless of course she’s “a NEVER DIVA, or a ‘All time Best Couple’ contestant”. I’ll tell you to RUN my dear. Nice one…I thoroughly enjoyed it.

  4. Chai! I can’t start to copy and paste all the use of words that just sent me lolzing!

    Now I see why you sent this on my timeline bro. It caught my attention walahi! Maybe I will write from a lady’s POV. just maybe. yeah, maybe.

  5. Well said Emma. As a matter of fact, i am tired of relationships and sometimes I wonder if there is any good girl left in this world. Will eligible bachelors like ever get married?

  6. it is true there is a reason for certain attitudes. but like d dude said i am not a shrink..omo..ah swear i am tired of gettingto know people o. DUDE, i am not your shrink that i should understand. all the time, please understand. the person might be important to me then id GO AHEAD but mehn i gats weigh ur profit and loss. if it is his or her way of doing things there are two questions i ask: can i change it? if not can i live with it? if both are no, na Usain Bolt things on my mind. the person self will never hexpererrit. Anywho, this is another really nice write up. keep up the good work Chisom.

  7. Nice one Emma. Never disappoints. Dis piece got me laffing all through. D message is really clear. Thanks for sharing. Martimor… Thanks for the lectern.

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